I am constantly amazed at how fast babies change. Fiona is almost 3 weeks old...I truely believe that it is a gift from God that I am able to stay at home (at least for now) to watch and participate in her growth.
Some firsts this week - her cord fell off & she now has a "real" bellybutton, she'll take a paci, she'll sleep in her crib for a nap, & we're having long bouts of awake/play time.
Some things that I'm not ready to change yet - I love that she sleeps on my chest and nuzzles into me, I love her long brown hair (i don't want it to fall out), I love her baby smell (i still won't use soap on her - she smells too good), and most of all - I'm not ready to go back to work.
Call me crazy, but I want to be a stay at home mom. I realize that we just spent the equivilent of a new vehicle on my nursing education, but I don't want to go back to work. At the same time, I understand that in our current situation I have to go back, and that I need to be ok with it and not upset at our situation, or jealous of my friends who are able to stay at home with their babes.
Recently, my Aunt reminded me, "At least Fiona won't remember that you went back to work...her memory won't start until she's at least 18 months old." But it still breaks my heart to think of leaving her and missing so many firsts - first words, first laughs, etc.
The funny thing is, I used to say "I hope I have a husband who will stay at home with the kids so that I can work...it would drive me crazy to be around kids that long." Shows you what I knew at 21.
So my most recent prayer is - Please God, let me have the opportunity to watch my child grow. Please let me be able to stay at home with her so that I can actively raise her to be yours. Please God, I just want to be her mom.
5 months ago